Finding Home

Dark bar, my bar, familiar.
Drink after drink
Footsie, fingers tangled
Drink after drink


He spoke my language
Of humour and heartbreak
Of resilience and soft corners
Of scraped knees and swimming

Lost in dusty roads

Among ancient barricades

Through bright speeding trains

And dark, twisted alleyways

What lit the night with magic,
Was it him or just the whiskey?
Couldn't wait, couldn't wait
Just kiss me already


Sentences spoken breathless
Catching up on decades missed
Brown eyes of honesty looked
Into me and knew my soul


I played a song upon his chest.
And he played one along my hip.
Their moods and melodies
Moved as if they were the same.


He left in the dark morning
No goodbyes or fanfare
But for the lingering touch
Of my fingers in his hair

"I hope you got home safe", I said
Wondering if he felt it too
"I'll see you again tomorrow," said he,
"I'm coming back home to you"

Something Solid

When they first spoke the word "solid"

I am dead sure it was to speak of a man just like you

You are like roots under a tree 

No matter how she sways, 

Or what stirs her fragile branches, 

You hold her to you as your own 

Ever growing, ever changing 

But forever the axis that she revolves upon

When they first rolled the word "solid" in their mouths

They tasted the soul and sinew of a man just like you

Because you are a bed of rock 

Beneath a sea of tumultuous waves 

When the moon tempts the ocean 

And pulls her in to dance, 

She holds on to your firm shoulders 

And anchors herself to you.

When I first used the word "solid" to describe a man, 

It was you that planted the word upon my tongue

Because you are a compass that never fails

A beacon in an inky forest

In these times of fear and trepidation, 

Your firm but gentle heartbeat 

Is the only guide navigating

This wayward wanderer on

Questions Posed in the Dead of Night

How do you dream
So vividly in your sleep
When I confessed to you
Just before you shut your eyes
That I was tossing in bed
Wide eyed and sleepless?

Did it not occur
To sing me a lullaby
Or whisper a sweet word?

Did it not ache
Even a little bit
Did it not itch
Even a little bit
To leave a comforting thought behind
To help me rest?

Was what I said
So cold, so hurtful
That you decided
I would be punished
With red eyed lonliness?

Was what I said
So unforgivable
That I was cursed with the knowledge
That you lay on your pillow
Your lids dewed with sleep
As mine sit open, following
The creaky turn of the fan?

How unkind it seems to me
How cruel.

I feel like a little girl
Robbed of her favourite
Bar of candy.

Comfortable

You are not the fireworks sparkling in the movies
Or the shooting star that I saw at the beach that night
No, you are not the confetti that rained after the concert
Or the rush of a tequila shot with a wedge of lime

You are a slow cooked chicken pie on a rainy day
You are my grey sweatshirt when I am sick
You are soothing orange juice the morning after the party
You are the piano song floating in my bedroom

You are not much for sweeping me off my feet
Or big gestures or fancy declarations of love
Those things are fleeting, my dear
Instead, you are the most comfortable thing I've worn in years

The Island

Without much thought it seemed, I stepped off my little island.
I could say, I even leapt off it.
I could say, it was my impulsiveness; but really, it was my fear.
Fear that its beauty would fade if I stayed any longer;
The magic that tingled through my bones as the earth flowed between my toes would numb down;
The salty chill of the ocean breeze giving its secrets away to me in whispers would lose its allure.

I looked like a little girl hopping on to her next adventure
In many ways I was.
A world beyond my island that I still ached to explore.
Coral reefs my fingers wished to feel
Lagoons that my dark skin was waiting to taste.
Yet, swimming ahead and away: heart-wrenching.

I will preserve everything in the drawers of my memory.
No photographs, no messages in bottles, no souvenirs.
When memory fades, it will be regenerated
Something far more bewitching than it ever was.
The fruit sweeter, the sun warmer, the view more breathtaking.

The most valuable things
The ones with the most glimmer and sparkle
Deserve not to be contaminated by Time.

Stubbornness

I sat on that dust couch sulking
When you came in
Asking what was wrong
I growled stubbornly
And you turned away

In that second
My resolve melted
And the tears stung
Knowing not what error I'd made
Or why you were so cold

Suddenly you burst into the room
Prepared to shout
Or scream, disappointment
Clouding your brows

To find me curled up
In your corner of the universe
Knowing not my wrong
Or why you were so cold

Suddenly you burst into the room
Pick me up, straighten my bends
Shielding me from the very same
Hurt that you initiated

Lecturing and whispering
At the same time
Rebuking and nurturing
At the same time

Our strong hearts giving in
The room was filled
With the jingle of sincere apology
Alternating from our lips

You and I at once vindicated
When stubbornness gave way
To simple communication
How easy it can be

Strawberries and Whipped Cream

My entry for this week's Three Word Wednesday. The words were: Juggle, Fawn and Navigate.

You: juggling two bright scarlet strawberries
Me: aggravating a tall can of whipped cream
Impish sparks in our eyes

Under the filtered sunlight from the window
I attack, covering in gleaming sweet whiteness
Your dark, fawn-coloured skin

I squeal, you quieten me with an assault
Sour fruit juice trickling down my berry lips
Faster than summer sweat

Guiltlessly, like the children we are
Along soiled kitchen counters, sheets, towels

We navigate a path

To some blissful alternate universe
Like explorers with magic maps and grand plans
We escape the realm of time

--For Raa and Di. You know this poem was written for you.

Chicken

I was pecking at a grain

Of golden wheat

You chase behind me

I squawked and leapt but never flew

White streak across the backyard

Too slow my stubby legs

To escape, caught

And dragged into

A darkness

I cannot comprehend

But I see suddenly

And cry
Flapping desperately
Kicking your
Muscled arms
To no avail

Comes impending doom

I sees the swift

And heavy blade

My neck breaks

The sink a red river

Bloody and gushing

There was no pain I recall

As I watch over myself

In your arms, twitching

Bloody and gushing

A hot water tap is opened

The steam engulfs 

The dingy room

The odour almost

Unbearable

The knife was not enough

You drown me now

In the scalding hot water

The ruffle of my mane

Melts away into a puddle

The coarse, white overcoat

Gives way to

Tender pink skin

You fondle it with care

Feeling every bump

There is something

Kinky about the way

You do it

As if you know

I am watching you

You clean me

Preparing me

For my funeral rites

The horror is not over

You close your eyes

Take a deep breath

Bring the heavy knife 

Upon me once more

Crack my bones

Separate my good

And my bad

Categorised by others

Exactly like you

I am now

A meal

Ready-to-cook

Bite-sized

I am now

Unrecognisable

As a life, or a being

I am now

Just a price

Displayed in a supermarket

"Honey!
Chicken pie for dinner?"


--I love Three Word Wednesdays!

Fiery Autumn Leaf

I am the fiery autumn leaf
Flitting outside your window,
Just another one in your line of sight
Whose elevation increases
Every time you inch closer.

I am a snowflake on your tongue
That melted in an instant,
Whose angles and contours
You never noticed
As you devoured my existence.

I am the tune you sang
That night as your spirits soared,
Forgotten the very next morning
But forever transformed
By the way your lips held me.

I am a beached starfish
Silent in the palm of your hand,
Never moving or protesting
Yet writhing inside with
Every immobile nerve.

I am the cherry tree watching
Over you in your backyard
Battered, familiar, taken for granted,
The most loyal canopy
Of comfort you will know

Twisted Mind

Draft elaborate plans

Meticulous

Plotting

Old, crumbling parchment

Blue ink blotting

Your past

Run fingers through my hair

Paint my lips red

With teeth

Locate my weakest bone

Coldblooded grip

Hammer

Salty steel and skin meet
Black, dense terror
Blinds me

Moth eaten, white pillow

Stifling the sound

From world

Lie back on your armchair

Serenity 

Overcomes

Residue

You took my soul, loved it with all of you

But I wasn't good enough to fight for

You took my soul, squeezed the life out of it

Gently, without you or I knowing

You left your fingerprints to haunt me

When I am sleeping, when I am lonely

You left your sweet tasting fingerprints

To remind me it will never be the same

I cannot forgive you for stealing my faith

Sixteen was too young to find a soul mate

I cannot forgive you for stealing the part of me

That could love without fear of being trampled

You swirl, swirl, swirl like the residue in a teacup

That is meant only to be thrown away

I swirl, swirl, swirl in my own confusion

In limbo between the past and present

If I could go back, I would pry

Out of your hands my most fragile parts

If I could go back, I would take my spirit

And save it for someone better than you

Highway Rider

Bike.
Buzzed on beer.
Buttons black leather jacket.

Speed.
Stargazing.
Shedding all inhibitions.

Slow.
Succumbing
Steadily to alcohol.

Swerve!
Split-second.
Suddenly thrown into air.

Blood.
Broken bones.
Barely alive at nineteen.

A Day At The Field

Three Word Wednesday. My first entry. This week's words are Cancel, Elastic and Labour.

She bends over the seeds
Golden paddy husk
And the sweat of her labour
Coat her tanned skin
Stain her blouse dark

Her spine bends over
Then straightens, then bends

Bones like elastic
Matted hair greasing her neck
Fingers worn and cut

She bends over the river
Deftly scrubbing her dirty clothes
She slips in among
The gentle lapping waves
To cancel away the day's grime

The Loss of Pride

In my worried head
I planned a gentle discussion.
I made it a point
Not to be bossy.
I know you hate that.

I said, "can you" instead of  "won't you"
"Try to" instead of "I want you to".
I heard my quietness.
My pride, bleeding
On the floor.

You enjoy the power
My weakness
Gives you.
As I try to hide
Behind stubborn eyes.

NO.
I don't ask you again.
You shan't reconsider.
Breath punched out of my lungs
I'm sorry you said, "No."

Strangers

Why do you hope for love
Like a wing clipped dove
Under a sheet of frost
Hopes for some warmth lost?
Love to me is a stranger
The liar, the ever-changer

In an opaque bubble
Blind to the inevitable
Existing in dark hollow
Reality too hard to swallow
Truth to me is a stranger
My fantasies it wants to injure

Alone is a beautiful place
To be without a shadowed face
Solitude, safe and secure
No company to smilingly endure
People to me are strangers
I have but myself to endanger

And now by reality struck
I am the rotten apple to be plucked
It is sparkling crystal clear
'Tis I, the true impostor here
This poet herself is the stranger
There is nothing to do to change her

Father

Big shoulders strong enough

To protect

From everything

Speeding car, leering men, broken heart

Eyes that twinkle more often

Than they cloud

With anger or fear

Light brown pools of hidden emotion

Never perfect, yet seeming just so

Efficient

Machine

Yet more than lazy enough to be human

Downs a pint of whiskey (only the best)

A gentleman

Controlled

Loose, but never a drunken swagger

The smoothest driver, shifting gears

With ease

Experience

That cannot be taught, only admired

The kite flyer, the ocean swimmer

Careful

And carefree

The one who taught me to ride a wave

Brimming with stories and terrible jokes

A father

A friend

Switching between roles seamlessly

Love Letter to Economics

You lured me in with your charm
The big names, fancy statistics
I was attracted to your novelty
The newness was my honey

There is no steady state with you
Keep working, keep improving, keep learning
Before the others have a comparative advantage
In vying for your attention

Hoping for positive returns, I tried
To understand your angles and curves
But they twist behind me and tie my wrists
Like handcuffs. I know nothing about you


You watched me follow you,
Random walk. You burst my bubble
And held the hands of another
I felt a sudden deflation of self esteem


I gave up, blamed your contradictions
Your paradoxes confounded me
The books I read for you dust over
My expectations bearish

Then I began to find the kinder side of you
Removing poverty, building bridges
As you orchestrated booms and busts
Your alter-ego intrigued me

After all these years, even today I pine for you
Short, long and medium run
I imagine a future with you
Even as I know you may never understand me

Gullible

Smile, offer a word of friendliness

I will ease toward you like whiskey to water

Lie, betray me Judas

I will defend you as if you are family

I will forgive, if only you will apologise

Or touch my arm gently to say you're sorry

I will also demand an equal

Measure of your loyalty

This play goes on, act after act

The seven emotions flitting over our faces

Tears, forgiveness, happy. Repeat. 

Like a fingernail that meticulously

Chips down a piece of chalk

I will wait patiently 

Until you grind me down to the grain

Until you test my loyalty

So vehemently

That it stretches and breaks 

Like a rubber band. Snap. 

No going back from there, my friend

You jumped upon my trampoline of trust

I am flexible. 

I have a breaking point. 

Once shattered, my headstrong heart

Refuses to be mended by

Your injurious fingers

Your callouses have ground me 

Into an unfixable mess

Your once warm eyes now

Radiate scathing heat

Sink away into the abysses of my mind

I will shadow you into the past

Look for new ones to lay my trust upon

Search for new hands that will

Tear me into tinier pieces

And still tinier, the next time over

When will it end? 

When I have resigned to be soulless

Until then, I am gullible

To your sugarcoated words

--For every friend I ever lost.

Abstract Mind

Inclined towards the artistic
Fascinated by things mystic
Restless fingers, creating
Eager eyes, ever searching

For things unseen; they catch her eye
As a universe of normality passes by:

Delicate white lace in the breaking tide
A lost feeling in memory revived;
The curve of a hip in sand dunes
Silver fairy dust in craters of the moon;
The sweat of labour in melting ice
Twinkling diamonds in the eyes of surprise;
The stench of murder in a matador's red
Twisted lies in golden truth said;
The depth of the past in a bottle of ink
Desperate clasping hands in chain links.

Her senses, heady with fantasy
Experiences, severed from reality
Reason blind, straying from fact
Her mind, surreal, abstract.


P.S. This was one of the few poems I ever read out in public, at age fifteen, when I had far fewer inhibitions.

Love

The moonlight's glitter on the ocean
Couldn't be as beautiful as love


A flower in springtime bloom
Couldn't be as joyful as love


A snowflake on a tree branch
Couldn't be as delicate as love


The fiery hot glare of the sun
Couldn't be as passionate as love


A star studded midnight
Couldn't be as magical as love


A footprint upon a golden coast
Couldn't be as ephemeral as love


The blood flowing through every vein
Couldn't be as life-giving as love

The forest sawed down that regenerates
Couldn't be as forgiving as love

A shower of rain in the desert
Couldn't be as soothing as love

A fantastic insect with glittering wings
Couldn't be as alluring as love

The wind that carries a kite
Couldn't be as uplifting as love

And yet, a plague across the nations
Couldn't be as devastating as love