On Happiness

Happiness. Ha-ppi-ness. Lightness in the "ha", a sprightly spring in the "ppi" and a serene ending with the "ness".  The sounds themselves embody the elusiveness of this feeling; the word almost an onomatope.

We often glorify this, the pursuit of happiness. We search and search and search through our days to find some pinnacle upon which we can stand, plant a flag and say at last to the world and to the limitless skies, "I am happy!" We swipe through photographs, picture perfect in their quality and composition and imagine our friends and enemies and think to ourselves, "I bet they're happy." We watch videos and TED Talks about ultra-successful people who followed their dreams and did what they loved and now are bathing in some glorious beam of success and admiration. And on those days when in the pursuit of happiness, we find ourselves entirely defeated, we wonder, "is any of this even worth it if I'm not happy?"

I catch myself often dreaming of a different life. Where my life revolves around my writing. Where I write pages and pages of language, read by hundreds of thousands of people and I receive a pay check for doing the thing I love most. I see myself traveling to mysterious places, sitting shoulder to shoulder next to hunting tribesmen and misunderstood artists and child prodigies, listening in awe to their histories and crafting them into compelling stories. In this life I see myself as happy, never wanting more or less than what I have.

I am frequently wallowing in a pit of discontentment. I wonder if I should be spending my life working 18 hours a day instead of teaching English on a beach somewhere and sipping coconut water out the shell.

I feel like we all do this. We imagine some greener pasture, some warmer embrace than we already have. But the truth is, we imagine this at every point, irrespective of where we are - and that is what makes humans move forward everyday. We are not really in pursuit of happiness, are we? We are in the pursuit of bettering ourselves and so we put ourselves in these "would be" situations that eventually motivate us to take that next step or that big leap.

Happiness. Ha-ppi-ness. I don't have to think twice before I swipe my credit card (lightness), I get to share drinks and meals with my family every few months (sprightly spring) and I fell in love with a man who is as good as gold and as warm as a fall fireplace (serenity).

It's not a mountain you climb or some light at the end of a dreary tunnel. It doesn't come by default if you choose a profession you love, it doesn't arrive if you don't make the effort every day to invite it. It's a conscious decision, a high-investment activity that you must willingly undertake. As anyone with some wisdom would have told us, happiness is the sum of minuscule parts, a piecemeal collection of smooth pebbles in a satin pouch.

It is the song you hum in the shower at the end of your day or the chance you give yourself to read a beautiful book. It's the chill of ocean foam on a hot winter afternoon on the beach. It's the tired voice of your loved ones at the end of the day soothing you like a gentle massage. It's the laughter of your brother when you crack a terrible joke or the victory you feel when you outshine yourself at work. It's your friend's glee when they receive one of your postcards.

I choose now to revel in these little joys. They make my shoulders stronger to hold up the unavoidable drudgeries, the high-pressure decisions, the fears of failure that I face every single day. You may say I'm a fool, but I think I'm quite enjoying being a glass half full kind of girl. :)

Comfortable

You are not the fireworks sparkling in the movies
Or the shooting star that I saw at the beach that night
No, you are not the confetti that rained after the concert
Or the rush of a tequila shot with a wedge of lime

You are a slow cooked chicken pie on a rainy day
You are my grey sweatshirt when I am sick
You are soothing orange juice the morning after the party
You are the piano song floating in my bedroom

You are not much for sweeping me off my feet
Or big gestures or fancy declarations of love
Those things are fleeting, my dear
Instead, you are the most comfortable thing I've worn in years

On Kindness

There's this thing about kindness that makes it very difficult. You give some, and it feels quite nice. You give a little more, and invariably some part of you, the part that makes you human, starts looking for some kindness in return. Not always commensurate to how kind you were, but you look for some good to come out of this.

I think that's where we screw up. We give and then we begin to resent when we don't get anything back. Even though we were taught as children that we must give with no expectation of anything in return, as we grow older return on investment is something we always look for. Whether it is financial investment or emotional investment, we want it to be worth it.

What happens when I meet someone who is altogether rude and uncaring? My natural tendency is to return the sentiment. Through actions and words, I would be rude and uncaring right back because, "man, that is what you deserve". So I end up perpetuating animosity, without even a thought, because that's just my default reaction.

What if I were to make a conscious effort and simply, be kind? One of my concerns were, "okay, assume I am kind. Would it even make a difference to anyone? What if my kindness just passed people by?" I've learnt now that this thought was what was holding me back from true kindness. Once I de-prioritized the effect my goodness has on someone else and instead gave more importance to the value my kindness adds to my own life, it wasn't so hard to be a good person anymore. I no longer cared if I was "taken advantage of" because my act of kindness improved my state of mind. It gave me the assurance that if I were never to see that person again, I have left him with as much warmth and goodness as I could offer. There are no regrets.

Why do we not always have conversations with people that are worth being last conversations?

Try this experiment. Try for a week, a month, just being good to other people. I don't mean, start distributing money to people on the street or saving the world. I mean, why don't you make all the time you spend with people 'quality time'.

Why don't you try your best not to resent people that hurt you and instead be good to them, because maybe that's what you (and not they) need to lay your mind to rest. As hard as forgiveness is, removing the weight of your grudges off your shoulders will ease you like a warm balm.

Why not send your best friend a letter, why not give your dad a hug? Why can you not say "I love you" to all the people you do, why not every day? It takes all of two minutes. It will make you feel lighter.

There's something about caring, about putting all these mushy, sappy emotions out on display that people perceive as weakness. This means that people have the power to hurt you, to tear you apart. Yes, I am more vulnerable because that human part of me, the part that so easily becomes selfish and wants kindness in return, does risk getting bruised.

To me, it is worth it. The peace of mind I have because I don't regret my conversations far outweighs my fear of getting hurt. I enjoy my hugs. I like the twinkle in my mother's eyes when I tell her I love her. I am warm inside knowing my best friends know exactly why they are indispensable to me. As long as I don't worry about what I get in return, it will all be okay.

All I am saying is that, why don't you try caring a little more? Why don't you try some goodness for a change? Try a little less hurtfulness, a little more empathy. Because if the sun doesn't rise tomorrow, at least you can be sure that the ones you love knew just how much you loved them.

Music

My roommates call me a music snob. In an attempt to live up to that name, here are some of my favourite albums. Yes, albums; because that's how music snobs listen, okay.

                                                      1.Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon                                                                                                                            

They don't come a whole lot awesomer than Pink Floyd. For me, these guys are just pure GENIUS. Yes, The Wall was epic, I know. But this album appeals to me a whole lot more. Maybe it's because I've heard most of the songs all through my childhood. Listening to this album takes me back to humid nights at home with my dad singing Money. It reminds me of that time Brian, Pa and I sang our version of Time in Bangalore. Wish You Were Here is Amit. Along with all those memories and thoughts, I love how each song on this album just flows into the next. Alan Parson's sound engineering is just a joyride for the senses. Not to mention Gilmour's silky smooth voice that never fails to make me melt. I could go on and on about this record, but to save you from boredom I end with a request: even if you don't care for any of the following albums, listen to this one. I doubt you'll be disappointed.

2. Eminem - Recovery
Okay, I know Em fans probably will disagree with me on this one. This one's my favourite for a bunch of reasons. For one, I really do prefer the melodic rap to the superfastcrazynonsense that some rap ends up as. Eminem manages to rap incredibly complicated verses with killer beats with an ease that makes you wonder how in the hell he does it. He brings out this whole emotional side of him that, although not rare, is quite refreshing after the madness of Relapse. He even admits that he may have "ran 'em accents into the ground". From Relapse to Recovery saw such a change in his rap; part of it really insightful, part of it telling the world he's still on top of his game. It's not just Cinderella Man with all that chorus-y awesomeness and Spacebound with that fresh guitar in the background that makes this record a winner with me. It's practically every single track.

3. Adele - 21

When this woman debuted with 19, I was impressed. What a voice she had. And then when I listened to 21 I was sold. It's rare to find this kind of passion and raw emotion pour out of a voice. I chanced upon videos of a few live performances and she had me cringing with pain when she sang Someone Like You with a simultaneous power and gentleness. Anyone who has even remotely glanced through Billboard would not have missed Rolling in the Deep's seemingly permanent stand at number one. Rick Rubin's production did wonders too I'm sure.

4. Kings of Leon - Only By The Night
I don't care what you say, Caleb Followill's voice is just plain sexy. Apparently this album got a bunch of mixed reviews ranging from twos and threes on ten to five on fives. So what if the critics didn't like it right? I don't know if it just grew on me, but I love the sounds in the album; often sinister and macabre melting into some sort of incredible hotness. Don't believe me? Listen to Closer. I'm not kidding you, that guitar will give you the shivers. There's also Sex is on Fire and Use Somebody, but you've heard those, right?

5. Alterbridge - Blackbird

Okay fine, i'll admit it already. I have a thing for vocalists. Myles Kennedy almost tops my list. Have you heard this guy? I haven't heard someone who isn't my dad's age rock out like it was the 80s again. His entrance into the band, not just as a vocalist but as a song writer and guitarist makes this album a hit with me. Alterbridge relased a new record last year ABIII which I didn't like all that much. But Blackbird is pretty damn cool. They have the slow thing going with Watch Over You and a whole bunch of awesome headbanging material too.




Alright, alright I'm done. I'll save the rest for another day. I'm guessing I've lost like seven (read: all) of my followers.

Best. Doodle. Ever.

It's hard to capture an incredibly vivacious personality like Freddie Mercury in a doodle, and if you've watched any of his live performances, you'll know why. But Google blew me away with this one.

For all those Queen fans, "Get Down. Make Love."